Whats is said. What is heard. What is Written. What is read.

As something resembling a life of moderation has now caught up with me and I've had time to work and not think so much about-well-anything in particular at all- it has come to my attention that the virtues of an even keel are extremely difficult to espouse. Put simply: even when you're dead sure you're "maintaining" , you're probably neglecting some facet of your life or personality that needs some drastic work. Take my car,for example-it's a mess. Or my non-existent bike I'm going to have to wait to get until next summer because I can't seem to stop working. Or this column here- I haven't spoken to this section of cyberspace in a google! (fuck you if you laughed at that.) Ok Ok... I digress. The point is this: it is a different thing altogether to thrive and grow than it is to just not fuck up so much.

Anyhow, I now know that my life- as complicated as I want to make it- is not that complicated (my worldly human life that is- the life of nature and the cosmos and how that shit affects me is totally complicated.) As my behavior has begun to reflect my realization of this reality (i.e.that my existence, though weird, is relatively simple), the more confused it tends to make others. Thusly, i am again baffled by myself and my ability, even in this life significantly more stable than doing drugs all day long, to alienate others.

I'm 25 and I've just gone through a whole lot of shit. This shit, in the scheme of things... helped me realize that I need to try to be more happy/stop taking things so seriously/start accepting responsibility for my actions/ be more honest with people. Yeah. The obvious. People have been and are going through much worse shit. Nonetheless, it was shit and I got through it. But of course- nothing changes my 25 year old-ness. This implies a bunch of things: I still get lonely and enjoy attention from people (especially the opposite sex), I still make impulsive decisions and do impulsive things that inevitably end up hurting me/others. But most importantly- and perhaps the most relevant issue to this conversation: I assume people understand where I'm at/what I mean/how I mean it/what I say/How I say it... Not good. Not good at all. Just because you change doesn't mean anyone around you will change or see things your way.

Out with it verticalphil...what the f-ck are you talking about!?

Ok Ok... I hurt someone's feelings this passed month because in my own mind this life of simplicity and self defined "honesty" made perfect sense in the context of "dating". Furthermore, my flawed assumption that people know where/what I'm at/coming from/meaning/saying/writing excacerbated my situation- and more importantly- someone elses. Now, I don't think I did anything even approaching vicious or cold-blooded- but I did do something irresponsible. I engaged in a relationship with someone- however ill defined- that I felt no qualms about ending abruptly. Both my therapist and my friends considered my actions- though flawed in the execution- preferable to some long drawn out actual relationship that I was unhappy with. I couldn't agree with them more. "This is dating- someone's usually dissappointed and someone usually dissappoints"- they say. I agree. But it still sucks that someone was really dissappointed because of my newfound simplistic dogma. In my mind- I expressed, without being overly particular or offensive- the what and the why when it came to "wanting to be friends". Unfortunately, any way you cut it, when you're on the other end of it- this is someone telling you you don't like them or want to be with them anymore "in that way". It hurts. And again, in my mind, if I had been on that end of it at this particular juncture of my life and all- I might've been fine with it. But, this person isn't me. This person is this person. To them, I really just walked away. And as you can probably imagine- resentment city.

So, a word to the wise: no matter what you do or how well you think you're doing it- you're probably doing it wrong from a certain point of view. Except eating chicken- there's really no wrong way to eat chicken.

chicken dinners for all mankind,

verticalphil