Hey. Stop trying to inspire me.

Yeah. You see this bullshit everywhere: Dare to be different. Live for today. Be excellent to each other. Wait, thats something else. Anyhow, you know what I'm getting at. They put this shit on our coffee cups, on stupid framed posters in our offices, and in books with "chicken soup" in the title. Which brings me to my point: chicken soup, though often good when you're sick or cold, is not a main course: Chicken is.

Your life is probably too complicated to ever have any of these boring cliches compel you. If this is not true, then your life is probably too boring to have any of these boring cliches compel you. For many of us, our lives are both boring and complicated... and these cliches still do absolutely nothing. Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that, it means we're not sick and don't need chicken soup. Me, you, your boring aunt, and my shithead uncle don't need any more smoke blown up our asses... we just want to come home to a decent chicken dinner and go the fuck to sleep.

csfam,
p

How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Year of Your Life.

Step 1: Worry about 1,000 things at once, but do nothing proactive about them.
Step 2: Be consistently dishonest to others (co-workers, professors, family members, significant others, etc.)
Step 3: Be consistently dishonest with yourself.
Step 4: Make sure to leave no bridge unburned.
Step 5: Do something that you don't want to do half-assed so it looks like you are actually doing something.
Step 6: Use substances to excess as often as possible, to cover for it the next day use Steps 2 and 5.
Step 7: Never, EVER, ask for help from people who may still care. If they give you help without asking, resent them and go back to Step 2.
Step 8: Eat take out every day.
Step 9: Stay inside and pretend to enjoy bad TV.
Step 10: Don't take any trips that require you to get perspective.
Step 11: Don't hang out with anyone who you percieve as different from you.
Step 12: When people make it clear to you that they don't care about you because you've followed these steps, stick around to endure the spoils of vicious resentment (this is much like step 4).

p

ps- please don't follow any of these steps. verticalphil loves you.

Ignore your Boredom.

Along with the five thousand other mistakes I made this week, I had the audacity to attempt eating ice cream. Not smart.

Why?

I AM lactose intolerant. Drug addiction did not help these matters in the past... and recently, I have been digesting actual food. However, I got way ahead of myself. My confidence was three steps ahead of my stomach, and thank goodness- one step away from the bathroom.

Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert, The Cleveland Cavaliers and perhaps most importantly, a newfound old friend have made my week nearly perfect. When I'm honest with myself, I realize that those five thousand mistakes were mostly latte related. It's good not to feel repulsive.